When Kev asked me a few months ago to come today and speak to you all I didn't hesitate for a moment in accepting the challenge as if it wasn't for the staff at this centre I would not be here today. I am forever grateful for the support and guidance shown to me in my time here and I consider you all friends. Whenever there is something in my life I feel I am not strong enough to achieve I look back on the girl who arrived at Barrett all those years ago and see the woman I am now and know that anything is possible.

I arrived at Barrett a little over five years ago (2004) and spent the best part of 2 years here. My story is a little different to many patients I shared my admission with as I asked for help, I wanted to be here. I was suffocating in sorrow and knew that if I didn't get more support my illness would take my life.

The town I am from is called Mossman. It is a sugarcane town 90 kms north of Cairns. There are no psychologists or occupational therapists - there is not even a McDonald's or Target. When I was in year 11 it was a teacher of mine who first noticed that I was not the bright bubbly student that I used to be. I was not participating in class discussions and was having trouble concentrating. I was in a constant state of tears and no longer felt any pleasure doing the things that I used to enjoy doing. It was not until I lost an excessive amount of weight and started externalising my pain through self harm that I began seeing a professional.

Being from a rural town with limited resources, to get the support I needed, I had to go to Cairns to the Child and Youth Mental Health Service, which meant missing school. My illness was causing me to fall behind in class so the increased absences meant I fell behind even more, which escalated my self-loathing as I felt like I was a failure. My mum had accumulated toil time so she would be able to take time off work to get me to appointments and often had to take family leave. I was providing my body with only enough energy to survive so the trips to Cairns exhausted me often for days afterwards. There was a visiting psychiatrist from Brisbane who came to Cairns once a week. I also saw a dietician and psychologist. There was no adolescent inpatient facilities in North Queensland so I eventually had to come down to Brisbane to get help.

I remember the very moment I asked to come to Barrett. I had previously had an admission to RBH as my physical health was at risk and I needed medical assistance. During that admission, once I was physically stronger, they suggested a 3 month admission to Barrett but at the time I was hesitant, at that point I didn't think I needed help. I returned home but was unable to perform basic daily tasks, I dropped out of school and at the advice of my psychiatrist at CYHMS my mum was sedating me throughout the day just to keep me alive. I had no quality of life - I was simply being kept alive.

The moment I asked for help I was sitting on the beach across from my home. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I was surviving on capsicum, almonds and green tea. I had not slept soundly in weeks waking throughout the night from terror mares. I was restless and didn't want to go home as I did not trust myself to not hurt myself. My family were in fear of me taking my life. Anything deemed dangerous from knives, poisons, razors, even safety pins were locked away and my mum wore the key pinned to her clothing. I was never allowed by myself. It was at this point I knew I could not beat my illness without more help. I didn't recognise myself and just wanted my life back.

The trip to Brisbane for my admission was traumatic in itself. I did not know when I was next going to be going home, if I would be going home at all. I was leaving my friends, family and everything familiar to me. I remember catching the train and going past the Wacol jail and crying in fear as I thought that was where I was going. I saw the big gates and steel building and regretted asking to come to Barrett. While I was relieved that Barrett was nothing like the jail it was not what I had expected. My previous admissions were in new hospitals which were clinical and modern and I thought Barrett would be similar. It turned out the centre was nothing like the hospitals I had been in. The admissions I had previously were like a bandaid effect. They gave you a diagnosis, re-fed you or gave you some pills then sent you on the way without treating the underlying cause. Barrett did not put a time line on recovery; they simply offered me the support and safety to work through my issues.

Educations has always been important to me. I have this image of who I want to be when I am older and know the only way to get there is through a university degree. The most devastating impact my illness had was on my schooling. While I tried to stay in mainstream education it became increasingly difficult. I was spending most of my days in sick bay and missing a lot of classes because of appointments, my concentration was poor and motivation nonexistent. Some of my teachers at the high school understood my situation and some had no concept of mental illness and the impact it has on your cognitive abilities. I was fortunate that my principal had personal experience with depression and was an advocate for me.

The teachers at Barrett had a lot of experience with teenagers struggling to stay in the education system and were supportive. Initally I continued to do school work sent from mossman but it became clear within a few months that I was not capable to continue. I was struggling to attend school and when I did I was in no state to learn. For many months it was my personal goal to simply attend the school. I was at the age where schooling was not compulsory but participating in social activities and setting goals was important. At one point I signed up to do Distance Education. My fellow schoolmates at home were completing Year 12 and talking about university and I wanted to be doing the same. I felt like my illness was robbing me of things I should be doing. Again my concentration hindered my ability to learn and I stopped the program. It was then that the schooling staff catered an education plan to suit my capabilities. I enjoyed art so I learnt to sew. I was learning how to read patterns and measure which worked on my maths skills. I started writing articles for the school newsletter, which worked on my literacy skills and using my IT skills to do the outlay. they nurtured my love of education, while acknowledging my issues. There were days when I could not get out of bed without force. I did not want to face the world as I was so consumed with self loathe but with the assistance of staff at Barrett I climbed out of my black hole. If it wasn't for their flexibility with the schooling program I would have given up on education a long time ago.

After expressing an interest in childcare the staff collaborated and I did some work experience at a local child care centre. Unfortunately children do not have the social skills to know what is or isn't appropriate and my scars became an issue. Through the schooling program I did a resume and put it out at local businesses and eventually got myself a job in a cafe once I became a day patient. This gave me confidence and some independence.

I returned to Mossman at 19 years of age and went back to high school to complete my year 12. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. To get in to uni I could wait and apply as a mature age student but it was important to me to finish high school. I did not want the label of a drop out as I felt there were enough labels placed on me. I was two years older than my fellow schoolmates and the experiences I had made the maturity gap even greater. I was returning to a town that was full of prejudices, some people genuinely cared about me and some people simply knew me as the girl who went away. At my graduation I was the oldest person getting up on state to receive my senior certificate but I was also the proudest.

After graduation I returned to Barrett for a 10 week admission for exposure therapy as I was still struggling with some issues from my childhood. At that point I was 20, had been living a reasonably normal life, participating in sport, going out with friends, attending mainstream school and working. I believe Barrett would benefit from a separate building for those who are close to discharge and are no longer needing intensive care. they could live a reasonably independent life and be responsible for their own cooking, cleaning and basic care. It would be especially beneficial for patients like myself who are ready for a day patient program but are living far away from home or are close to discharge but still need some form of therapy. I was fortunate enough to have my mum move closer to Barrett so I could go on weekend leave and eventually become a day patient. My mum got a secondment from her job, rented a house in Ipswich while maintaining a household in Mossman, while this worked for my family not everyone is in the position to do this. If there was a discharge unit patients could integrate into the community at their own pace and avoid discharge anxiety which subsequently prolongs admission.

I also believe that Barrett would benefit from a unit for families of patients - a short term facility with subsidised rent for families of those who are from rural areas. it was a financial strain for my family to visit. Flights from Cairns exceeded hundreds of dollars and when they came to Brisbane to visit me they then had to pay for accommodation, which often was not close to the hospital. If there was a unit available it would take some of the stress away as having a family member in hospital is stressful enough.

Everybody is different. Barrett adknowledges this and caters specifically for the individual. While returning to school was good for me, not everybody is fitted to school. While the cafe was not my desired career choice, it provided me with a purpose and the opportunity to socialise with others. I knew that somebody was depending on me to turn up to my shift and valued the effort I put in. I believe the centre would benefit from having some sort of work program for those struggling with school. I particularly benfited from life skills taught at the centre. Learning how to write a resume, pay rent, set up a bank account and lodge a tax return were life skills that set me up to succeed once I was discharged.

I am currently at James Cook University in Cairns doing a Nursing Science Degree. I want to enter a profession that helps people and I believe my experiences will make me a more considerate nurse. I work in a pharmacy in Port Douglas and have maintained that job for 18 months; I never thought I would be able to be near dangerous drugs yet alone work in a pharmacy. When I went for my interview I had no experience, the jobs I had only lasted a few months and my education was sporadic. I was very honest with them and said that I had been at Barrett and was hoping someone would give me the opportunity to work. I did not get the job I applied for. A week later they called me and said they were impressed with my honesty and were going to create a position for me. I have managed to buy myself a car and live independently out of home, all things I wanted before but never thought I would be able to achieve. I am now working a second job and saving for an overseas trip. The thing that brings most joy to my life at the moment is my supportive boyfriend Joe. I never expected to be able to trust another person the way I trust him. I have told him about my past, my admission to Barrett and why I became sick and he has been very accepting. he is with me for who I am today and not what I have done in my past. His family are also very supportive. i never imagined being so happy.

I have recently undergone plastic surgery to reduce my scarring. while I was happy and confident in myself I was afraid that people would judge me for them. It has been a traumatic experience as I have had to deal with the memories of self harm and the reasons behind my scars again but it is the final chapter on my journey to recovery.

Rebecca